Our Little Mermaid takes the classic underwater story and fills it with a scene-stealing sea-witch, a Dame devoted to saving the wails, a lobster with an exhausting number of honorary titles, and a bargain that costs Ariel her voice.

Our Robin Hood has an outlaw band that includes Little John, Big John, Medium John, and Not John, a Dame who runs the Girl Guides, and the Sheriff's mum with sandwiches.

Our Pinocchio has a Dame who's a carpenter with a Lumber-ghini joke, a villain who's the good fairy's brother, and a climactic scene set inside a whale.

Our Rapunzel script has the worst hair salon in Quiffendale, a villain's son who'd rather not be involved, and a pet rabbit who becomes very large and surprisingly talkative.

Our Jack and the Beanstalk has a cow with strong opinions about milking stools, a Giant Tax collected by the giant's mum, and a beanstalk that actually grows.

Our Beauty and the Beast has a wicked witch whose rejected marriage proposal starts everything, a castle staffed by talking furniture, and a clock permanently stuck at five twenty-three.

Our Goldilocks is set inside a circus, features a custard pie machine called the Pie-O-Matic 6000, and has a villain who steals a lollipop from Baby Bear.

Our Cinderella has Ugly Sisters called Ammonia and Amnesia, a Fairy Godmother who has delegated most of her responsibilities to her intern, and bailiffs named Grabbit and Runn.

Our Sleeping Beauty has a Dame who's also the Queen, a Herald who's lost his trumpet, and a villain whose arrival at the naming ceremony sets everything spectacularly wrong.

Our Hansel and Gretel opens with a baking competition, features a Dame who runs the local bakery, and has a Gingerbread House that's very much the main event.

Our Dick Whittington has a villain who hates clean water, a Dame with a sausage-based running gag, and a custard pie scene that requires very careful pronunciation.

Our Peter Pan has a Dame who's first mate on a pirate ship, a fairy who needs a body double, and a crocodile the script never quite lets you forget.

Our Aladdin has a smart-assistant genie, a second genie who only wears denim, and Widow Twankey's laundrette where Aladdin shrinks in the wash.

Our Snow White has a Narrator nobody listens to, a Prince disguised as a delivery man, and seven brothers with very silly names.